Doesn't Even Matter
by Ao Tsuki
Summary: A bit of reflection on Blue's part after Faulty Memories. [BluexHige; obviously contains spoilers.]


**Doesn't Even Matter**

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**Disclaimer** :: Wolf's Rain is the property of BONES; I own nothing and am in no way getting paid for this story. (I don't even have a Hige plushie. ;.;…o.o;;)

**Author's Note** :: I'm so pathetically obsessed with BluexHige it's not even funny, so it's no wonder my first WR fic centers around them. Set during _Faulty Memories_, after Hige leaves to rescue the other wolves – Blue's POV.

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You said you'd come back.

You said you wouldn't leave me.

And I swear, if you don't keep your promises, I'm following after you and making sure you regret it in whatever afterlife there may be.

It's kind of funny, y'know? I never thought I'd need anyone like this. There was Pops, sure, and I can't say that I don't miss him or still think of him as my master, even though I know I shouldn't. But you...you're a different story, if this tightening in my heart is any indication. I've gotten along fine without Pops, haven't I? And as much as I miss him, in a way I'm almost glad I lost my old life so I could know who I really am.

Just because...I feel like that new person I've uncovered belongs at your side.

I sound silly, don't I? I sound silly even to myself. I guess it's not much of a revelation that I'm not really the sappy type. But you accepted me in a way no one ever had before – the _real_ me. I'm not going to sit here and lie, claiming that didn't begin to secure your spot both under my skin and in – can I say it? – my heart.

Of course, at first that acceptance of yours might have had something to do with the fact I was, as you put it, a "babe." I guess in some ways I should have found it insulting more than anything, but that _look_ in your eyes mellowed it all out. Those flashes of mahogany told me a lot more than that mischievous mouth of your ever could have, and I think my heart caught onto it before my head – I was safe with you.

I didn't really want to believe it at first, didn't want to depend on anyone again. First my family, my whole city, was slaughtered; and then I found out that Pops, all I had left, despised what I am more than anything else in this world. Needless to say I was skittish, and began to believe in only one thing – that all I had to believe in in this world was myself.

How it all changed I'm not quite sure. All I know is that _you_ are the one who changed it. Those eyes, that smile, the little playful cracks which might have been deserving of a solid slap upside the head had they come from anyone else. From you, they just made me feel welcome, like I'd been traveling at your side for years and it was all just part of some intimate, incredible friendship.

To tell the truth, I wish it had been like that...that we really had companions for all that time. It almost feels like I've wasted these years of my life, not spending them with you. But I swear, if you just come back to me, I'll happily spend whatever years of my life remain at your side.

Maybe I wouldn't have had the courage to admit that, even to myself, but with the whirlwind of emotions you've led me on today, all my hiding places have been scoured clean. I can't shrink away from this anymore. Watching you...like you were...I've never been so scared in my life. I want you to know that I'd've willingly given my life to get you away from whatever was inside your head, but there was nothing to _fight_. I felt like I was going crazy right alongside you...

And that was okay, because I only want to be where you are.

But the worst was when you fell. Dammit, don't ever scare me like that again! I thought that was it, the end, _our_ end. And I couldn't do anything more than gather you up into my arms and cry.

I can't even remember the last time I cried. Not even when I knew Pops hated me.

I don't want to think about what would have happened if you hadn't woken up. I just don't. Let's leave it at that I've never been happier to hear anything than those two words – "Hey Blue." You could've said anything, really; it wouldn't have mattered. Just as long as I knew you were still there with me.

That's all that mattered. I wasn't blind to the change in you; and it scared me because I couldn't understand what was going on. But you were still Hige, and in my arms looking up at me with those eyes. For a moment, no matter what was going on around us, I felt safe.

I already said you have that general effect on me.

You never let my emotions settle, either. You keep them constantly going crazy until I feel like _I'm_ doing the same and I never know what to do. Do you really think I'm an amazing woman? I don't see how you could – after all, I was the pet of a man who existed only to kill wolves, who tried to kill you and your pack.

Maybe I didn't understand it, but...I knew you meant what you said. My heart pounded in my chest – as if it had ever slowed since you first fell - and my world reduced to only two things.

Your eyes, and your hand on my face.

You didn't have to tell me what was wrong; I could smell the anguish in you and that was enough. And all I wanted was to just drag you away from this city, away from everything that's been hurting you.

But the only thing I could do was watch. Watch you be dragged through that mental hell, watch you run away from me.

Watch you go places I couldn't follow.

It shouldn't surprise you that it took every ounce of willpower I had to stay still and not launch myself forward to run at your side as you left to save the others. How could I let you leave when I knew it could be the last time we were ever together? But you promised, and I don't doubt you. I've got faith.

You said you'd come back as long as you knew I was waiting.

And I'll wait for as long as it takes.

Forever.

Maybe you've changed, but my feelings haven't. I don't care who you are, Hige. You showed me glimpses of your heart just as you unraveled mine, and I can see it even now. Whatever else has changed, it's still the same.

It's still the place I...I want to call home.

So come back so I can tell you that, all right?

That's all that matters now – finally letting you hear the words choking me now, having another chance to look in your eyes. Who you are doesn't matter, our pasts don't matter. Paradise doesn't even matter...if you're not there too.


End file.
